Simpedia

Ian M., Indiana

Maybe use your knowledge of her stress to open the conversation: “I know from what you’ve told me that you’re going through a lot right now, and I really sympathize with that. (Insert your specific knowledge here if appropriate to bring up with kid present.) As a way of helping you through your situation, I’d like to suggest that we make piano lessons – as much as possible – a stress-free zone; a place where, while you’re here, you can take a deep breath and know that I support you and what you’re doing for (name of kid). I know she enjoys lessons and tries very hard to anticipate what you want her to do without being told (etc, talk up the good points you’ve already mentioned in the original post).”

I think you can see where I’m going with this – make it about supporting her with an environment where she doesn’t have to worry about every single little thing that happens. “I know you have very high standards for (kid’s name), and it shows! And I think she knows it too. Let’s think of piano lessons as a place where all three of us can relax and enjoy each other’s gifts, and the wonderful gift you and Neil and I are giving your daughter.”

Susan M., Canada

I’m getting ready to deal with a similar situation because I have parents who are splitting and the very critical parent is taking on the home coach role. My plan is to revisit the parent roles and be specific about what parents are involved with in the lesson. I’d approach it from a setup conversation like “a new season begins” and here are our roles. Specifically, parents will observe and follow along the steps using paper keyboards, etc, sing along, participate in any learning games, and support at home.

I will mention that what can get in the way of learning are comments made while a child is working through material — it’s distracting and students lose momentum. If the student behaves improperly, I’ll be the one to address it. I might tell the parent that they can sit back and enjoy the progress and that if I need any help, I’ll let them know. Maybe you can say that you sense some imbalance in the flow of the lesson, and you’d like to address it. I also have to remember to make sure they understand what I’m saying and get agreement – all to ensure their daughter gets the best lesson possible.

And once I set it up, if an interruption happens, I will ask the parent why they just commented like that and explain that it makes me uncomfortable and I can’t teach with those circumstances. That’s my plan.

Cate R., Australia

I would smile and say, “It’s okay, I got this”, then “you know all kids wiggle”, and “x is playing beautifully today, you must be so proud”. I would get a little list of gentle one liners that reassure her in the rough sea of her life that there is a little quiet in the storm and it’s right here in your studio.

Kerry V., Australia

I tell my new parents that they are not there to discipline their child.

1. My tolerance level will be much higher as I am not the parent. I explain that they are with their child 24/7 and this half hour they can let go of any need to discipline and learn something themselves.
2. I want to establish a relationship with the child (group or private) and if they keep interrupting with issues that are NOT an issue to me or the child, then this can be disruptive. Most parents are happy and relieved. Some continue the habit of discipline, understandably; however, after I remind them or they quickly remember, then they also get it.

Our lessons are generally really good. Parents then can concentrate on being a coach rather than focusing on what is perceived as behavior problems. Remember, I mention this at the beginning. The first lesson!

Sometimes, depending on what is happening, I explain that kids do actually need to wiggle. It does actually help with learning. If a child is restless, I always remind them they can sit on the floor (in group lessons). Usually, because I’ve given them that attention, the kids settle more and don’t sit on the floor.

I might remind the parents that they fiddle and fidget when studying or to concentrate too. Shows a different perspective. Once I actually told a mother that my studio is a “no hit child zone” when she smacked one of her children while with her son at lessons. I still have her and she is one of the best advocates and supporters of my studio and Simply Music.

Robin Keehn, Washington

I think I would revisit the Roles conversation. She may just be forgetting the boundaries and responsibilities that happen in the classroom. When this has happened to me, I realize that I’ve let it go there just by allowing it to happen once. Once I see it, I revisit what the parent’s job is and what I’m taking responsibility for.

Jacqui G., Canada

I faced this situation with my first student, a 7-year-old whose mother (a close friend) set high standards and expectations for herself and her children, and was dealing with marital problems and emotional burnout. Not only was she constantly correcting and disciplining her daughter during lessons, she was supervising every minute of the girl’s home practice! The daughter responded by fooling around during the lesson, and dragging her feet at home. It came to a head at one lesson and the three of us spent the whole time talking about it. The mom did a lot of venting while I listened sympathetically. I reassured her that I was happy with her daughter’s progress, gave her permission to lighten up at home, and reminded her that the minute they walked through my door I was in charge of discipline. The little girl agreed to take responsibility for her practicing. After that, things improved. In retrospect, I am glad it happened with my first student because I learned a lot from it – primarily the importance of revisiting the relationship conversation regularly.