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Kerry V., Australia

The joys of practice! You have worked well with your children to have them at a place that a gentle reminder is all they need. This family certainly is teaching you that this is NOT the case all of the time.

The mum sounds as if she is very keen to support you, SM program and her child. I’d give her a call, outside lesson time, and discuss with her the ‘claiming territory’ game that we all play in certain situations. And would also mention that she must be the mother and the daughter needs to learn to listen to her. Obviously this is not only in practice but other areas, so mum can start somewhere else, other than SM, to graduate into being the ‘mum’.

I’d also offer for mum to contact me each week to see how things are going, guide her, coach her. When mum is clear on what needs to be done, then this does make it easier for the information to be passed on.

Mum is correct, you don’t want to use punishment however, discipline is learned behavior at times and the child does need to learn that tasks are required to be done, whether you like them or not, and this one you will like and not enjoy at times. As long as it is done.

So, claim territory conversation, offer ongoing support and train both of them.

In regards to SFC I would probably not have them do it yet. Too much on their plate could turn the young one off. She can quite easily catch up, especially when she sees the other class members ‘enjoying’ themselves.

Shanta H., Minnesota

Hi everyone, I was waiting to write about this until I knew the outcome, but it seems like it’s time!
I have a class with similar “attitude problems” at home, and they have been with me almost 2 years. The kids, one girl in particular, fights with her mom constantly about getting to the piano, what to play, checking off her playlist, whether it’s right, basically anything. I think it has more to do with their particular relationship than anything else but it was getting to the point where I was afraid I’d have to stop giving her lessons. She adores me and will do anything I ask her to do in lessons, but always fights with mom. She would promise me that she’d do as her mom asked, and then it would fall apart after a couple days at home. Mom was near the end of her rope and I could tell.

We did a few things over the last several months which would help for a little while but then we’d relapse:

1. My explaining that I can only teach students who practice
2. Setting a more regular schedule for practice time
3. A 32-day challenge (unfortunately, practicing happened, but some important things got neglected)
4. Candy for anyone who practices all 7 of the previous days
5. The “pledge”: “I [name] do solemnly swear that I will accept my parent’s help cheerfully and humbly because I know that my parent loves me so much that s/he’s giving me the gift of music.” Or some such.

So here’s my latest inspiration, and so far is working wonders:

I created a Defiance Jar for this class (trying to think of a better name for it – suggestions welcome!). Here is how it works:

• I label an empty Mason quart jar with the class time, and it sits on the shelf where we can all see it.
• Each week when the kids practice, if there is any argument, whining, fussing, or otherwise not cheerfully going to the piano to play, Mom or Dad writes a $ above that day on the playlist.
• At the next lesson, the child must put $1 into the jar for each $ day on their playlist from the previous week. (It has to be the child’s own money for this to work, and it has to be a large enough amount that the child protests loudly when the amount is set)
• When the ENTIRE class has gone a full month from the 1st to the 31st or 30th with NO $ on their playlist, we will use the money to buy treats for the class
• If the jar is empty or nearly empty when we’ve been through an entire month with no $ on the playlist, then I will buy the treats.

Then in the lesson we all came up with examples of playing cheerfully and acted them out – especially parents! And we flipped to the front of the playlist and notes book and talked about the 3-legged stool. Parents have been working so hard to try and hold up the stool because the kids aren’t doing their jobs, and so I’m working so hard to hold up their parents (and I acted out being Atlas holding up the stool). The 3 kids all jumped up and surrounded me and mimed helping me hold up the stool.

My hope is that this will create a 32-day challenge with attitude, and that even if Kayden is only being cheerful because she wants to keep her money, by the time we finish it, the neural pathways for attitude will be pretty deeply altered, and it will be easier for her to maintain a good attitude.

I emailed the parents after 4 days and they both said the transformation had been unbelievable. At the next lesson we were still going strong, and I can already see some of Kayden’s trouble songs improving. I don’t know what’s going to happen yet, but I will let you all know when it does. It would be great if a few other teachers wanted to try this and let us all know how it goes.

Elaine F., South Carolina

This is not an unusual problem. I often ask the parent what is the consequence when child does not do as asked. Often there is none. So I suggest they work with child to develop a consequence. Often it is No electronics till homework incl. piano is done.

They seem to forget that just like on airplanes– everything with a power switch has to be turned to the off position!

Sue C. Australia

What a great idea Shanta,

Just an side thought: I would change the promise from a solemn oath as I think is a bit heavy for children. I would use different words. I say something like. I will do my best to practice every day and then we do a High Five.

Then if they do fail to practice every day, there is no guilt attached, just a get-up-and-try-again attitude.