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Bernadette A., California

To me, not worth the emotional energy. Funny over the years I’ve learned to let go. I know you’ll do the best for you.

Robin T., China

Give them the refund graciously and thanking them for allowing you the privilege to assist them. The last thing you want is an angry family telling everybody they meet not to consider you for lessons.

Maureen K., California

I would refund their money with a note like, “I am disappointed that after years of our good relationship, you felt the need to discontinue lessons abruptly rather than respect my 30 days’ notice policy. Enclosed is a credit for this month’s tuition. It has been a pleasure working with you over the years”. Or something more gracious. You’ll be the bigger person.

Terah W., Kansas

I’d bet there is a lot behind the scene (theirs) that is going on affecting the situation–especially as you say they have been clients for a long time. I have to come in somewhere between Bernie and Robin’s reply. Even if they stayed, the relationship would likely be permanently tainted, not making it pleasant for either of you. I say cut your losses and move on. All the best to you.

Carrie L., Michigan

I’ve had students leave without refunds and not terribly happy. I’ve worried about how they may speak to other possible clients but I also don’t want their referrals. I had a long term student leave because I was going to have a $5 fee for recitals. It upset me for a long time but recently she graduated from high school and is going to college to study vocal music. She sent me a really lovely card thanking me for all my support over the years.

Stephen R., California

I have students pay by the month, whether they attend or not, and this is stated in my policy which they signed. I do not do refunds and I don’t credit missed lessons. I now have a 15-day notice for ending lessons, which seems more feasible than a 30-day notice. I have had many students skimp attendance on their last month, but I show up and hold their slot to the end regardless. If a family is giving you a hard time about a refund after years of lessons with you, it seems there is an underlying issue that they are not telling you. You are offering the last month at a discount. But why are they quitting? This sounds like it’s something unrelated to the other family stopping.

Robin T., China

Sometimes we get a little overwhelmed by our own sense of importance and policy only muddies the waters further. It is a privilege and an honor to have the opportunity to teach anybody. Be flexible, learn to play the long game, and give the refund graciously.

Leeanne I., Australia

I do the same as Stephen, except I still have the 30-day policy. I agree that there appears to be something else going on. I have given refunds before, even though my policy states I don’t. You do what you feel is right in the circumstances. Otherwise, keep the spot for them until the month is up. If they fail to turn up, it is a missed lesson.

Joanne D., Australia

It’s not fair, and I feel your pain here, but I think the best thing for you (to keep a peaceful state of mind) is to send them a refund and let them go, making way for another, hopefully more respectful family who will appreciate all you do. The less time you spend thinking about this family, the better for you and your wonderfully creative mind.

Kerry V., Australia

The right decision is the one you make. A policy is something that has been created. As I see it, the integrity is with the relationship you have had with people. That would come first for me. You could graciously mention that. However, in the end, you don’t want them to leave with a bad taste in their mouth as they can then spread it.

Treat them with honor, thank them for their time, and graciously pass up the refund, maybe with a small amount taken to cover your costs. But all in all, people are more important, relationships are more important than a policy that can be organic and evolve. And of course, lesson learned, change your policy to be much more clear.

Unmani U., Australia

I am with Leeanne and Stephen on the ‘something else going on’. Sometimes people just need a ‘vent’ experience and to be heard without anything defensive – reflecting the feelings back, e.g. “I can see you weren’t happy about X”. They might need to be heard regarding their feelings (active listening – conflict resolution style) with no defensiveness coming back, just an open heart. I bet they are unresolved on something from the past that’s slipped under your guard as it does for us all, and the problem will be about one of Neil’s three areas for upset (unmet expectations, miscommunication, etc).

Before letting them go with grace as others have said, I would open-heartedly say “‘We’ve had a really successful long-term relationship and achieved heaps, and I’m wondering if there’s something bothering you that I did where you felt unfairly treated”, and just wait–and say absolutely nothing (utterly crucial!).

People just have the need to be heard SOMETIMES and they are over it really quickly and simply. You will have to let go of being “right” in this conversation. I suppose where I am coming from is honoring the successful years you have had with no dramas, not just three months of trouble.

Cindy B., Illinois

What’s more important in the end? The people or the policy?

Mark M., New York

Thank you all for your thoughts. I’m clear that I’m going to end up giving them the refund. I’m also clear that there is no point in trying to convince them otherwise. Although I personally very much believe in active and compassionate listening. I know that there is no avoiding this discontinuation, and I don’t wish to give any extra time/energy/attention to them when I know it won’t change their mind.

The only question for me now is whether there’s a way for me to, as graciously and diplomatically as possible, let them know that I’m giving the refund simply to please them, despite feeling strongly that they’re wrong about all the reasons why they think I’m obligated to provide it. I want to let go, and I want to value the relationship over policy dogma, but I also cannot abide them believing that they are right. It would be bad to send them back into the world without a refund, angry at me, and spreading whatever they might spread to others. But it feels just as wrong to me to send them into the world believing they’re right and spreading whatever they might spread around that.

I fell like if they are to get the refund, they may also need to give me something in return, i.e. the opportunity to even ever so briefly and diplomatically let them know that I don’t believe they deserve the refund I’m giving them.

Here’s a draft of my best current attempt to walk that fine line: “I like to end piano lesson relationships both on good terms and also with integrity. When it’s not possible to achieve both of these things together, I generally choose good terms over integrity. This is such a situation. I stand by the validity of the policies which you agreed to in writing multiple times over the years, knowing that I can address each of the reasons you’ve given for your wishes, and believing that sharing those details with you would, at this point, only work against ending things on good terms between us. Assuming that simply receiving a refund will allow you to consider us to be ending everything on good terms, you can expect it in the mail within the next few weeks. Use it well. I hope things go well for you all as you move forward into other music education pursuits.”

Gordon Harvey, Australia

I would not include “use it well”. I also might soften it a bit in a way that would ensure that they don’t think you’re trying to lecture them. That might be as simple as changing “This is such a situation” to “As I see it, this is such a situation”. That said, I think this is a great response, and the main thing is that you end the relationship with as little as possible added to any personal emotional baggage you may have.

Stan M., Virginia

Side on generosity. No future here, so lesson for them to learn.

Heidi M., Canada

What I did recently (when a couple of students left for different reasons) is to offer some win/win situation; i.e. ask them if there is some goal they would first like to complete before quitting (finishing learning a particular song or songs so they have more feeling of closure in terms of the learning part). One of them (the one who quit for financial reasons) decided she wanted two more lessons instead of quitting immediately so she could wrap that up. It was her choice and we both gained. Refund was not an issue.

Cheri S., Utah

After building a relationship over time, with each other and with piano, it’s nice for both parties to feel a sense of closure and accomplishment. Speaking of closure, Mark, I understand wanting emotionally to just let the whole thing go. Ultimately, though, that may be hard for either of you to do if you haven’t been able to air your concerns. Closed-up, unheard feelings tend to bubble up later, often surprising us at inopportune times.