Issue with Interfering Dad in Lessons
Found in: Claiming Territory, Coaches
Robin T., Tennessee
I’m reaching out to you all for some much needed advice. I’m not good at articulating myself sometimes in uncomfortable situations, and I want to make sure that the email I send this father is VERY ARTICULATE. Here is the situation:
I did an FIS with a family at the beginning of Feb who had a little girl, ASHLEY 6, who wanted to play the piano. The mother contacted me about it and said that the father was very talented and played the piano, but she had “NO MUSICAL TALENT”. So, I fed off of that in the FIS using the mom as an example, etc. The father was very skeptical and kept saying, “So, it’s Suzuki” and I said, “No sir, it is not” and explained the differences. He never would go into his musical experience and just seemed a bit of a know it all. But, they signed her up.
They have a 2 1/2 year old that the mother has had trouble finding a sitter for so that she could attend the lessons and the dad is at work. We have had 4 lessons and the mom has attended 2. Additionally, she says, “The Piano Practicing is “his” responsibility”. Ashley is very bright and picks up immediately what I give her. But, the dad is hurting the process. The mom watches, but says she can’t remember when she gets home how to explain it to the dad (I’m sure he isn’t very patient about it). And, so I told them to really utilize the videos. She said he got frustrated and said he didn’t have time to watch a 2 hour video and I informed her that it was sectioned off so that they could go to the specific song, even the specific hand to watch.
Last week, at the lesson, the mother said that the father wants the music book back and that he wouldn’t show it to Ashley, he just needs it so that he knows how to teach her. Again, I refused and mentioned the video. He called me that evening right before a lesson that I went into and he said, “I’ve done a lot of research on the internet with the method and I’m totally sold on it. But, I need you to give me the note names so that I know how to help her practice.” We went back and forth and finally I just rattled them off for Dreams Come True. I decided that we would try it his way and see what happened this week when Ashley came back. So, I had her last night and she totally had the song wrong after she had been playing it right for two weeks. I had the mother sit outside while I talked to Ashley and Ashley said that she just didn’t know what to do because she told her dad that what he showed her was wrong. She said she didn’t know if she was supposed to listen to me or to her dad. So, when the mom came back in she herself said, “I think he taught it to her wrong and I told him that that didn’t sound right”.
So, Once again, I said they had to look at the videos and that I was not going to give him the notes. I was very forward with her in saying that, “You are paying me to teach her piano and I’m doing that. But, if you don’t follow the process, she will not get the results that I promised. It isn’t fair to her or to me to ask that that process be altered and I want to be clear that I can not produce the results that you expect if this continues”. I didn’t want to have the discussion in front of Ashley, so I told her that I would email them. I think the mom agrees, it is just standing up to the dad.
And, I mentioned to the mom that it may be that she needs to assist with practice and not the dad. I explained that often times it is hard for someone who has trained a certain way to wrap their head around another way of learning and it might be best to have someone with no experience assist. However, I did point out as well that Ashley doesn’t need a ton of assistance because she does have the concepts. She just gets confused when it is shown to her a DIFFERENT WAY!!
So, any assistance or wisdom that you wish to share would be appreciated. I think that the mom knows where I am coming from, but I don’t want to just anger the dad and have him yank her out of classes. I feel like I’m too CLOSE to it or maybe emotionally involved to eloquently convey the email in the manner that I want it to be. Firm… yet with sincere regard for Ashley and her success. THANKS!
Cindy B., Illinois
Robin, I feel for you. My advice is to 1. Be willing to lose this student if you can’t manage the parents, and 2. Insist on a sit down with both parents and Ashley, and concisely, briefly, and to the point, simply lay out for them your requirements and perhaps point out the areas where these requirements aren’t being met, and tell them that this is the only way you can teach this method AND achieve your goals, and very graciously invite them to talk it over and decide if Simply Music is the right method for them. Ask that they get back to you about it.
Kevin M., California
Hi Robin. I thought it might be nice to hear from a long-time teacher who has been there, and it is something I’ve had to address recently. I want to first acknowledge how hard you have worked at this
and am empathetic at how frustrating this is.
You have a great kid very sharp, great student, yet because of the father’s actions you are forced into a corner. I can say from past experience I really liked the student and didn’t want to lose them or
the income, that I put up with it… hoping I could just manage it along. Needless to say it has never worked for me. Here is what I have learned and I can offer a couple of suggestions I might try.
Firstly i would find out from the mom if there is any way she can attend every lesson, even if it means changing the time or doing what you can to work around her baby sitting schedule. I have rarely if ever had a young student successful without the parent present not only to observe the lesson but to be coached on how to watch the video with her daughter which HAS to be done the day of the lesson and with the attending parent. If that does not work, I would ask the father to attend with the conversation (here comes the big GULP!!) if we can’t come to a resolution on his video help with the daughter and possible attendance, and if it can’t be worked around yours and his schedule.. then the best thing at this time will be to discontinue lessons until such a time that these scheduling and cooperative issues can be properly worked out for their daughter’s success.
This method is fantastic and has been proven extremely successful over time, but it is imperative to have the parents on the same page and willing to put the same involvement that is usually applied to their child’s school work. Your goal and wish for their daughter after all is that she have a great experience with learning music ( which won’t happen without the changes needed) and she experiences music as not only something that is easy and very natural for her to learn, but a gift she will have with her for the rest of her life. If it doesn’t work out now, then at least there is the possibility that down the road she will have fond memories of you, and the ease of this method and will come back to music at some later time and date.
I hope this has been of some help, good luck.