Handling siblings during lessons
Found in: Claiming Territory, Shared Lessons, Student Management
Kym N., California
I have a parent who requested not attending the lesson with her 6th grade boy (who has been with me for 2 years) and I sent her a reply to explain why I needed parents to attend lessons. She also said the little sister of the newly joined students distracts the classroom, with which I disagree. All three boys are attentive at the lesson. The girl is not making much noise. Now she sent me the following email. I am looking for advice on how to respond. Here’s her email:
“Thank you for the thorough explanation! However, (the little girl) is still bothering me. I welcomed (her brother) in joining our groups when you asked me in summer. But I felt unhappy when I learned that his sister has to be with us in the same room. (The little girl) is no doubt an adorable girl but I just don’t like her in the same room during lessons. She may not bother the boys but she bothers me. Like today and last Wednesday, I couldn’t stop noticing her whenever I heard her. If I knew she had to be with us, I wouldn’t have agreed for (her brother, the new student) to join us.
I’m sorry that I sound like a bad guy for not allowing people to join us. But I felt I shouldn’t have encountered this problem because there were originally only the two boys in the group.
After I knew they were from Taiwan, it makes me feel even worse about not having my people together. I won’t blame (the new boy)’s mom because she, like every parent, has to do the life coach during the class and she has to babysit (the little daughter). But if she has a choice, maybe she is willing to sit in the living room with her.
So, here is the question: Do I have the right to reject (new boy) since I am one of the original members in the group? If I do, and if you insist his mom stays in the same room with the boys, I would like to reject him. I’m sorry that they would have to find another solution. If you allow his mom to sit in the living room and she doesn’t mind either, they can join us. I’m sorry there’s a problem. But I don’t think it’s me causing the problem.”
Leeanne I., Australia
Do you have another room close by where the sibling can sit? Even though you may not find her distracting, this parent obviously does.
Kym N., California
Sometimes the siblings go to the living room which is a right angle to the family room (piano lesson room). I have a little table area behind the student seats and for the siblings to do some quiet table work. I usually let parents decide if they want their other kids to go to the living room or stay in the same area with us. This little girl is too young to stay by herself. I have no idea how this little girl is being a distraction to the class. I didn’t hear her. And like this parent said, the boys are not distracted by the presence of the little girl. This groups had 2 other girls originally. They are sisters to the boys, and the girls were not quiet at the lessons when they were still my students.
Robin Keehn, Washington
This is YOUR studio and you get to call the shots. Parents do not get a vote. Stand your ground. This person is making something out of nothing. Claiming territory big time. Don’t give way.
Kym N., California
That’s how I feel too. It’s an art to stand my ground and minimize the hurt. Besides, she submitted a couple of 5 star reviews for me before. Nowadays, I try to avoid situations so that people don’t write anything bad about me on Yelp.
Carrie L., Michigan
I’m amazed by the brazen claiming of territory of this mom. It seems she is easily distracted. Perhaps see if the little girl can sit in your waiting room if that’s an option, and if not, see what this parent would be happy with. I don’t deal with people in my classes that are sucking out my energy. Sometimes I wonder if we should all look at life like it’s our last week or year. Our perspective would be very different.
Kym N., California
There were a few incidents from her that made me feel my energy being sucked out. This time is the hardest to deal with as it involves another family of an exceptionally good student and a parent. Also, I can see the three boys being a perfect fit!
Carrie L., Michigan
Tell her that then. If she leaves, she leaves. This week we had an incident because a family didn’t want to add another student to her class. Like a big scene and complete fit from the parent. The next day I signed up a family with a beautiful mindset and wonderful understanding for what we do. It was a great reminder that if you cut out the nasty, there’s some great things awaiting.
Kerry V., Australia
It seems to me that this lady needs to be ‘heard’. So the conversation could start with “It sounds that you feel the girl is being a disturbance. I’d like to know more where you feel she is. This will help me understand where you are at”. Then you can veer support for her to where you want it to go. She then feels heard and all is good.
Mark M., New York
I agree that this mom seems like she’s got a very real personal problem that’s worth addressing in terms of oversensitivity/attention. If everyone else in the room is okay with the girl, maybe she should be, too. And yet I also feel like, as a matter of principle, she’s in the right. The lesson is about the students and their life coaches. The “extra” little girl is an outside factor, and it’s not your obligation or the obligation of any other students/coaches involved in the lesson to ensure a child care situation for a child uninvolved in the lesson. No matter how territory-claiming this complaining mom seems to be, I feel like the best possible first step here is to try very intently to find a way for the little girl to be out of the room while all students/coaches remain in the room.
Christine R., Kansas
If the 6th grade boy in question is working responsibly on his own and has no problems with the group, why not let the mom with the distraction problem not attend? I hear from other teachers about it being your studio and claiming your territory, but the parents are also paying us well to teach their children, and if they have a request for an exception to the rules that could potentially keep everyone happy, why be so territorial that you end up losing the student?
Different things work for different people, which in all honesty, is why I prefer to do private lessons in the students’ homes – it works for them and for me. Yes, I have had to stand my ground on issues that affect the students’ learning process, but if this student can handle lessons without the parent present, why not let him?
Jeff O., Massachusetts
I let siblings stay in the room. Insisting that they not be in view of their parent or caregiver will create scheduling and child care problems that may be insoluble and cost you students. I would only do that if I were the one getting distracted. Also, in this case, consider how you explain to the little girl’s family why the rules just changed.