Helping a student deal with disappointment
Found in: Relationships
Deb K., South Dakota
I have an ethical dilemma. I have had students try out for school talent shows and have had each one get chosen. One even went to state competition with a song he wrote. I know there is an elimination process for all of life’s events. Whoever is the best gets to play. I get that but I just happened to be at my piano family’s home when the youngest got her rejection letter from the school saying she didn’t get chosen. Although all the other sisters take piano lessons, they did not do piano and got in doing other activities. She was the only one who did the piano for her tryout.
She is 7 and has balked at doing the left hand from the beginning. She only did her right hand to play Ode to Joy. I will never forget the look on that young child’s face when her mother read the decision. She burst into tears and would not do her piano lesson.
Music to me is an expression of yourself. It can give us the same feeling effect as drugs do. So why do we take that away from our younger children? Maybe when they are older, and they can see the benefit of learning to play piano–I can see that. But not at this tender age when they are so impressionable. I want to write a letter to my city’s school system and tell them how this affects the children. Maybe they would consider extending the talent show to include all the children who want to play in it.
Sue L., California
Not only do I share your opinion, I would build a soap box and preach this for days. I see music as a journey, not a race to a destination, and I wish the competitive element would be removed.
Leeanne I., Australia
Children these days are wrapped in cotton wool and not taught that they will sometimes lose. It’s more important that you work with the parent to teach the child that it’s okay to lose, it’s okay to be upset about losing.Talk with the student about what they could do better next time, maybe suggest learning both hands.
Pamela S., Missouri
I have taught first and second grade in elementary school for 27 years. I have been teaching long enough to see the before and after of the “everybody’s a winner” phase. Honestly, we are doing children a disservice when everybody gets to be a winner. Yes, it is extremely hard to see sad little faces, but this is life. It is even worse to see immature adults that have not had any life experience in dealing with disappointment and now have to be on antidepressants. Is it really that bad for a child to see the result of not following your instructions to play with both hands? You said music is self-expression. I agree with that, but feel it can be expressed privately if you haven’t prepared well enough to do it publicly. The child is learning a life lesson…painful, but needed.
Jane H., Georgia
This is such a great opportunity to talk about why we make music. Of course, gearing this conversation to the child that we can’t always win or get the part or get chosen for the talent show. It usually comes down to how long the show will be. That’s why ensemble acts are the first ones picked – the more kids in the act, the more likely they are to make it.
While I’m not a supporter of participation awards, I do like to celebrate where a student is. I do at least two recitals a year that are not competitive.
It is tough to watch a child experience disappointment. But what a great learning moment. To the child: I know you are sad. It’s hard to get in a talent show sometimes (perhaps you could share the times you didn’t get a good score or didn’t make it). What could you have done differently that might have helped you get chosen? Maybe play piano while a friend danced or sang? Or maybe next time learn the left hand?
Why do you like playing the piano? (You might get a negative response at this moment!). Then talk through the student’s strengths – you are so amazing at Jazz. You always sing along as you play. Your right hand is strong. Next talk about ways to get better and ways to enjoy the piano more: your left hand is feeling “left” out (the pun may be unappreciated), maybe you can practice more, keep your playlist alive, get your sister to sing the melody while you play.
We can’t all be winners but we can always learn from our disappointments.
Terah W., Kansas
All of these might be a good idea for the “piano party” concept where students can get some experience and maybe see more motivated students that ‘outplay’ the others in a more non-competitive atmosphere. I have had several students really buckle down after hearing a more advanced (“lit”) student play. I am not crazy about all the competitive sides to everything the child does in today’s culture and really dislike it regulating a person’s musical journey. But one has to be realistic, too, and let life teach and perhaps underscore the need tor excellence–an unaddressed issue in itself these days!
Laurie Richards, Nebraska
This is a great conversation – maybe one that could be woven into discussions during lessons. Talk about why it’s worth it to invest all this effort into piano lessons – the long term benefits as well as what they can do NOW. When schools hold programs that require auditions, we can talk about it being an *opportunity* to share what they’ve learned. There are lots of other opportunities available. Some work out, some don’t. I agree it’s a good situation from which to learn about the realities of life.