The Relationship Conversation for Adults
Found in: Adult Students, Student Management
Mark M., New York
The relationship conversation as currently outlined is very clearly directed to a parent/child situation. I’m curious what anyone out there does to modify it when presenting the Foundation Session to a group of only adults, especially a group of older/senior adults.
Simply leaving out references to parent-as-coach-of-child seems to me to leave this conversation, as currently outlined, to be potentially condescending or otherwise off-putting to adults, who may often feel that they don’t need to be told how to manage relationships, commitments and discipline for themselves.
And yet, of course, it’s clear that many adults have room (sometimes lots of room) for improvement on these things and would clearly benefit, just as parent and child would, from having this conversation laid out in the Foundation Session. It seems a question of phrasing/presentation, and I’m wondering what particular solutions teachers out there may have found effective. Thanks.
Barbara M.
For adults, I give the message that they know what it takes for a long-term relationship to thrive. Mention all the relationships they have sustained with career, family members, academic pursuits, community. Point out how piano lessons will be similar in the ups and downs. Assure them that they will have times they want to quit, and times they think they are stars. The ability to sustain the relationship will bring rewards that can’t imagine now, at the outset. Stories of how much music has meant to you and to your students illustrate the value of piano lessons. (I recommend the SM CD, Music as a Lifelong Companion) The value of Simply Music must be kept alive in conversations you weave throughout the FIS, the Foundation Session, and future lessons. They must perceive a great value to consider investing in the long-term relationship.
Hilary Cook, Australia
Mention that if they were children…and try to make it a bit humorous and also say to adults (re the ups/downs /plateau) that I guess you recognize this (or words to that effect). So it’s not so much what you say as how you say it. I always talk about the magic bullet not being the weekly injection (lesson) but the daily practice and make sure, whether child or adult, that they know absolutely that success is in their hands and talk about working through the lows.
Carol P., Michigan
I always leave the relationship conversation in. When no child is present, I tell the adult that the relationship aspect is an important part of the Simply Music program and they should know about it even if it doesn’t directly apply to them. I also point out that they may be asked about the program so I want them to understand as much about it as possible.
Shanta H., Minnesota
I have been telling them, “now if you were a small child and you had your parent with you, I’d tell you that…” and then tell them with a sly smile, “Now, unfortunately your job is harder because you will have to not only be the student, but also be your own parent. You’ll have to guide yourself through the ups and downs, the same way you do with your LTR with work/spouse/kids/whatever is appropriate.”
I think that it’s a nice way of addressing both the adult and the child-like parts of any adult’s personality.
Paul C., Australia
I always have the relationship conversation with adults regardless of age. I frame it by acknowledging that they will probably already be very familiar with what we are going to discuss next but that it is another ingredient that will ensure their success as the program unfolds.
After unfolding the whole conversation with them I usually remind them that this is to help them with the ‘self-talk’ that may be necessary from time to time when tackling something they are having difficulty with or are lacking motivation to do.
I never take it for granted that an adult (even older ones) knows how to handle their own feelings, emotions, motivations and discipline when it comes to doing something like regular piano practice. I believe one of the differences for adults between a long-term relationship with piano and say, a job or relationship is that their lack of practice will only really directly affect themselves (and what we might say to them next lesson!). In a job or relationship there are other people who are directly dependent on them to keep their commitments as a matter of survival and security (sadly even this level of importance isn’t enough to hold some adults in jobs or relationships). Hence we tend to place these mentally in a category that makes them more important (at least at face value) than piano lessons. In the background is “other people are directly dependent on me to do my job and manage my relationships fairly and lovingly, whereas piano is for my fun and enjoyment”. Of course we know as music educators that the cultivation of musical self expression has much further reaching effects than what is immediately apparent but that’s another (necessary) conversation.
This all means that when the going gets tough for whatever reason, unless they firmly have in mind the priority and importance of what music will contribute to them as human beings, there will be the very real temptation to let piano ‘slide’. I think this makes the need to keep reinforcing the value of music to people’s lives of a very high priority in our lessons. It also means that when it comes to the crunch (valleys) that an adult needs to be ready to have a conversation with themselves (hence the self-talk) regarding their honest acknowledgement of their feelings and then be ready to restate their priority for music and what this is contributing to their lives.
This is how I think through presenting this to adults anyway. Probably nothing really new but worth restating and being reminded of. Hope it’s helpful.