Simpedia

Cindy B., Illinois

Consider having a parent and child conference and ask Mom some tough questions, because the onus is all on her.

• “Have you decided that musical/piano ability is something that will benefit your child for the rest of her life?”
• “Is it worth fighting for?”
• “Are there other things that your child has to do and isn’t allowed to question or negotiate?” if so, why are you allowing argument/ negotiation when it’s time to practice piano? “Is the piano really important or not?”

I wouldn’t be asking them in such a blunt way, but I would be looking for answers to those questions, and letting both the parent and child talk. I can’t tell you how many sullen 10 yr olds have sat there and
said something like, I’m more interested in speed skating (or something like that) and the parent is actually considering letting the child switch, just because they’re more interested in something else!

I’d also have them describe what Mum’s corrections and overlooking actually looks like. Is Mum remembering the lesson different and contradicting what the child remembers? 1st of all, the parent isn’t
required to be the teacher – if there is a disagreement, they can call you or even better, the parent can let the child make the final decision – after all, if the child is wrong what can it hurt?

2nd, Is the Mum sitting with the child and struggling with the child, or butting in on her way past the practice area? No one wants a back seat driver.

3rd, what is motivating the parent? Being seen as a good parent, having the child excel regardless of the journey, being better than someone else etc aren’t exactly motivations that work.

Victoria S., CA

I ask the parent, in front of the student, if the student is cooperating in allowing the Life Coach to do their job, ie. not giving LC a hard time for telling them to practice, or making suggestions or corrections if needed). If the parent says there is difficulty or resistance, I tell the student right there that that is not acceptable. This is team work (3 legged stool) and I must have cooperation among all three. I ask them to agree to allow the LC to do their job. Then I let them know I am going to check in with the LC the next week. I don’t let this slide by as the LC is always so thankful to have me on their side. Even if the problem is not completely cleared up, every little bit helps.

Robin T., TN

I do ENCOURAGE and really SUPPORT parental participation both in the lesson and at home.  I simply tell them, once again, my experiences with traditional lessons and practice time at my home. My mother and I have NEVER had a good relationship and it was QUITE evident in my musical journey. When I got home from school, my mother would lay down for a “nap” and listen to me practice. Her room was right across from where our piano was located and she would spend that time yelling from the other room directions for me….”You missed a note in that part, go back”; “You are going too fast”; “You are going too slow”; “Put some expression into it”; “Don’t use the pedal there”; etc., etc. IT WAS HORRIBLE!  Many times I would yell back, “I only started this song yesterday!” OR “My teacher said this is how I should play it”.  And, as a result, a number of things happened.

For one, I have and continue to associated certain songs with certain emotions……Just last week I started teaching Sonata in C from LEVEL4 which was a song of disdain between my mother and I.  I used to play it as fast as I possibly could just to make her mad and when she said to slow it down I would say, “You’re just jealous because you can’t play it as well as I can or as FAST!”  And she would say, “That’s NOT music, it’s just banging”.

As I began singing, especially when I turned 16, it came to the point where I never ever would practice if she was even in the house…. I would go to my car and drive around and practice. And, to this day… even though my husband has never EVER said anything bad about my singing or playing, I practice on my keyboard with my headphones on if I don’t know the song. I don’t want ANYONE (even my husband or dog) to hear it unless I have it perfected. And, if I have an event coming up (wedding or something that I have to prepare for), I will encourage my husband to go to Home Depot or go play Golf so that I can practice and not worry about him hearing me…..HOW SAD IS THAT!

All this to say, there has to be a balance, and I never accuse my parents of this, but I do this to show them the effects of that kind of coaching and how it is still something I struggle with as an adult! So, the coaching has to be positive…. “Let’s watch the video together!” or “Can we listen to the CD and see if we hear any differences” or even “Can you teach it to mommy (which can allow the parent to say, I think it goes like this)”. And the big thing is…. DON’T BE THE BAD GUY!  If the child does not agree with you or thinks they are correct or does not want to be coached, sit down with them and watch the video. LET NEIL BE THE BAD GUY!  Let the child get frustrated at the video and not the parent for correcting them.

I do agree with Cindy that there should be a conference if these suggestions are exhausted and it is still not working. I’ve even had parents “switch” duties because you will find in most relationships with parents that the child will respond a certain way with dad and a different way with mom. Maybe mom isn’t as effective as dad or maybe dad uses a different approach that the child will respond better to.