Frustrated by Complaints
Found in: Claiming Territory, Coaches, Studio Management
Shelly E., Utah
It seems I’ve just been hammered recently with issues to the point where it is draining me emotionally.
I just started a new class of 4 students that meets every other week. Two of the four have had some lessons (not very many) and two who were total beginners. Anyway, one of the moms emailed me (see below) a ton of complaints. This was after our very first class in which I covered much of the Foundation material (was saving the relationship conversation for later), the Basics, and of course gave a copy of my policy statement and went over in class.
I think I can address her complaints just fine (your input is welcome too) but I’ve just seemed to be hammered by all sorts of these kinds of things lately. I’ve been teaching SM for a little over a year but it’s my newer classes that just seem to be hammering with all sorts of these kinds of issues. I don’t want to whine here but, it I really feel frustrated teaching SM right now. Another student’s Mom and son walked out of their last lesson upset at me. The boy has A.D.D. and the Mom believes that he should receive special treatment from what I think I understand from our phone conversations…almost every time he sits to play something new I just taught he’ll jump forward with out letting me “control the events” and he purposefully plays as fast as he can after I just reiterated the point of going slowly. This is not the first time he’s done this and I’ve addressed that if he’s not willing to follow my instructions and do it how he sees all the others doing it that he could be excused and go sit on a chair. So this last time I confronted him on this issue his mom stops me and says, “look, he’s bored watching you re hash things over and over. He’s got it, and is just eager to play”. I then tried to explain that need to “control events” and that his behavior is actually disrespectful, and that seeing is not always the same as actually playing it for the first time…. Anyway, next we are putting sentence three pattern of Fur Elise into our fingers as a class, so then as I go around having each student show me by pointing to fingers 3,2,1, I get to this boy and he as quickly as he can rubs his finger across those fingers rather than pointing one by one. I then say, “that’s exactly what I’m talking about that is not acceptable”. The Mom takes her son and literally walks out of the lesson and says, “that’s it we’re leaving”. I could tell she was furious.
I could go on and on with these examples. I have no idea if it’s just what I’m doing lately or what. I just seem to be getting parents who think they know best or have unrealistic expectations….or I dunno what…..maybe I’m just doing something wrong here! Do any of you get these kinds of things frequently some times. I guess I’m looking for some encouragement as I’m feeling quite discouraged and if we didn’t need the money I would just send these students to another teacher in the area or some thing because it’s really wearing me down. Of course, then I’d lose out on the learning opportunity here right? Like I said, this is only a recent thing and all my old classes are mostly great still. Any insight any one??
Thanks! Here’s the letter from the mom. What would you all say to her? I’m losing my stamina to deal with these things now a days and really disliking it all together. Can any of you relate?
Shelly,
Joseph is very excited about piano lessons. I know we’ve only had one lesson, but I wanted to voice some concerns that both Rebecca and I have. Each lesson is very expensive (between the two of us you’re getting almost $60 for just 40 minutes), so we expect to have every minute crammed full of teaching/learning. We were both quite frustrated when two-thirds of the lesson was used to discuss things that had already been mentioned in the orientation or that were typed on the hand-out you gave us. I feel it would have been much better use of time, to just give us the hand-out and move on. We both read and comprehend well. Nothing else needed to be said about it. Only about 10 minutes were used for actual teaching time, and Joseph and Kolin learned absolutely nothing new. Joseph told me, “I have nothing to practice.” I don’t like to hear that when I’ve just forked out $18.50 for a lesson! When there are two weeks between lessons I want them to have two weeks of material to practice. _____ _______ highly recommended you and the “Simply Music” program. So I’m going on that and trust that now that we’re familiar with each other we can move forward at an accelerated rate.
I look forward to seeing you on 21 May.
Louise H., Michigan
Your mom must have put a lot of time and effort into writing that email. It sounds like she would like to teach that class, if she wants to dictate what you do every minute! I could write a whole email on that letter, but it sounds like you know what to do.
Let me just say that it seems that things happen in groups. I have weeks where I feel like no one is doing what I say, or I get 10 complaints about the playlist, or that the child wants to quit and I have to have the relationship conversation all over again. Then the next week a child comes back and can do something I didn’t think was possible. So just hang in there, it will get better.
One thing that helps me is to use humor in the lesson. When a child plays fast, I tell them I am the piano policewoman and they are just about to get a speeding ticket. They have forgotten that we are in the school zone where the speed is SLOW! I do all kinds of things to make the kids laugh but still get my point across. I will stop them if they continue to do things fast. They get the message.
I had an experience this week where a child was playing Alma Mater blues with the CAGE chords. It was fast and a huge mess. She was starting, stopping, fixing, commenting. It was awful. When she was done I said to her, “We have talked about how slowly to play this, why aren’t you doing it?” I expected to hear “I dunno.” What I got was a very honest answer. She said, “I just want to get it over with.” So I did a “Neil” on her and asked her if she could have anything she wanted in the world what would be it? She said “Gum.” (!) She’s only 7 . . . So I found out what kind of gum she likes and told her to pretend that she would get a year’s supply of that gum if she played the song again the best she could, as carefully as she could and as slowly as she could. It worked. And then I pointed out to her that it took less time to play it slowly than the first time she attempted to play it fast. And I promised her a package of that gum next week if she came back and could do it again.
I think talking about lessons, talking about practicing, talking about life, is an integral part of lessons. I don’t spend the entire lesson “cramming” music into the kids. You need to get to know the children and their parents and find out what works for them. Remember, we are developing a relationship here!
I have also found that the parents who desperately want their child to be successful in something quite often are attracted to unique things, like Simply Music. The children struggle in school and they want something positive in their life. And when a new thing arrives on the scene, parents of those children gravitate toward it. (This was true for me in Kindermusik too).
It takes time for some kids to learn how to control the events. Sometimes, slow to them feels like fast to us. They need to be taught what slow feels like. Most rush because they are a bit nervous.
Laurie Richards, Nebraska
It’s hard when those things happen in spurts. Try looking at it from a perspective of “What can I do differently in the future to circumvent these negative emotions?”. That’s not putting blame on anyone; it’s just a way to take action in terms of planning, teaching, and communicating with parents.
A few examples:
Do you tell the parents what to expect at the first lesson? If not, they most likely had unmet expectations – probably expected to spend more time at the piano. I always send a “welcome” e-mail within a few days of the first lesson and include exactly what to expect at the first lesson – and the importance of this lesson. And I ask parents to please communicate this to their children so they are not disappointed.
Are there parts of the policies that do not need to be covered in the foundation session? Could you perhaps cover only those items which could be misconstrued? (requirements re: payments, makeup lessons, etc.)
Are you hanging on to students/parents who are clearly not “with the program”? If so, why? If because of money, is it worth the emotional drain?
Are you presenting the program and your expectations with conviction? This is a bit more subjective, but it truly makes such a huge difference. If you are kind but firm about how you conduct your business and teach the program, most people will respect and believe you, and trust the process. There will be those who will be defiant and stubborn (or passive and noncompliant), and those are the ones who I am happy to let go.
As Neil says, you cannot manage people; you can only manage situations. You can stand firm (and friendly) in your own territory, keeping those students who respect you as their coach and graciously dismissing those who don’t.
Kerry V., Australia
We are not immune to this kind of reaction from others and situations. However, if the same pattern seems to recur, then possibly it is an issue for you to search through and learn from.
Some questions.
- Are you a quiet, sweet type that people think they can walk over?
- Are you clear and to the point in what you want to get across to the attendees?
- Are you not clear on what you are needing to get across so are not strong in your conversations?
- Are your conversations coming from what others have said but you don’t understand the why’s?
- What other questions could you think of which may help you?
Firstly, going by the email from the mum, she mentions another member of class, so obviously they have spoken. Ring the other lady mentioned and ask for her input. Sometimes people can hook onto something and run with it and the second person hasn’t thought twice since. She also mentions about the amount which has been spent on lessons. It seems she is sitting in the lesson criticizing everything and not listening clearly herself. Seriously, do you want people like that in your studio?
Secondly, be clear about your own policy and goals and stick by them.
Thirdly, are your conversations clear and precise? Did you explain that the first lesson is mostly discussion? It is always helpful if you are up front with people from the first phone call. So, were they aware the first lesson would be talking and in that lesson, did you explain that SM is a way of learning and that the families may find it challenging by saying things which may not have been heard by them before?
Fourth, for what reason would you teach a group fortnightly? Eventually you could give them materials which would cover fortnightly sessions but at first you need to take your time.
Five, they are not paying for your 40 mins each week. They are paying for your training time and training materials. They are paying you for your knowledge to teach their children.
Six, be prepared to speak with this mom, not email, and be totally prepared to say goodbye and refund her money. Some people, like this lady, may change but most don’t. If you are strong enough, put her in her place, show her you KNOW what you are talking about and have both of you give the benefit of the doubt and more forward. Remember too, if it wasn’t you she spoke like this to, it would be someone else so it is NOT personal, it is her issues. However, issues you still need to face for your own sanity.
Seven, The lady who walked out on you possibly enjoys the fact that she has an ADD child. Some parents live by their child’s disability or difficulties and you were someone who was not going to. You were treating him like any other student/person. She wants special attention. Again, if she is not willing to listen to you, say goodbye and send her her cheque. (check). Unfortunately this boy is only going to learn that he can play on mum with the ADD and win all the way.
Shelly, it really isn’t worth holding on to people because you “need the money”. That holds one back so much. It isn’t about the money. It is about your growth. In your growth you can be paid. Honestly, it is hard to let go of them because of the finances but if you do, you will have more students come to you who are absolutely perfect for you and you end up having for years. You are more than capable of addressing the complaints but know that you have us behind you.
Thank them, in prayer, for being a teacher and move on from them. Carrying with you what you learnt.
I certainly hope you can gain some strength to know you ARE NOT ALONE and not the first to have had to face people like this. So your last question, “Can any of you relate?” Oh boy, yes!
Beth S., TN
There may well be some things you do need to change about yourself. I think some of these ideas have already been offered in other responses, like preparing parents for things, communicating clearly ahead of time, etc. I think it’s good to start with self first and see if there truly is anything that needs addressing. However, it is your class and you can decide what to do when, without apology, provided it is reasonable.
I keep going back to school settings in my thinking lately to make comparisons. Many of us do charge “by the lesson”, and I’m thinking lately that perhaps this is a mistake. It does give the student a feeling of being on a meter, like in a taxi or with an attorney, and gives them some authoritative position that they have a right to squeeze every penny of usefulness out of you. I don’t think this is right. I think if things were set up like a school with regular tuition, everyone would be more relaxed. When my child comes home from school and mentions that they watched a movie, or helped set up the gym for tonight’s program, etc. etc., I don’t get all tied up about how many minutes that took and what it cost me when I was actually paying for math and grammar instruction. Nobody does; how silly that would be.
So, I think to start approaching payment differently would create a different mindset that would help. This lady doesn’t have the right to expect every minute to be “crammed full.” I wouldn’t accept that kind of pressure. Does she in turn “cram full” every minute of her own employment with 100% productivity or does she take time out to breathe while she’s “on the clock?” Does she expect the sermon at church to be “crammed full” to pay her for her time and effort, or do her kids’ teachers at school “cram full” every 7 hours a day with non-stop teaching? What a ridiculous and unrealistic expectation.
As far as “not having anything to practice,” here’s the time for the humor one teacher mentioned. They don’t know what’s ahead, but you do. You might say, “Enjoy it now fella, because you have no idea what’s coming!” With that remark, I would have in the back of my mind, the practice that becomes necessary once the playlist is up to 50 songs, a composition piece is going, regular lesson assignments need to be completed, etc., etc. My students would love a week with no practice now and then!
Back to the school analogy, who would go home complaining that they had no homework the first or second week of school? Of course, it takes a while to get going! Compare it to other avenues and it’s a no-brainer. Imagine that I hired a builder to put an addition on my house. I don’t expect to see the frame up the first week. I don’t follow him around as he walks through my yard looking things over, planning his strategy, etc. and say “Why aren’t you doing anything? I paid you!” It will come in time if I’ll just be patient and let him be. This is what your parents need to understand. The actual playing of the piano is only part of the process, just like hammering the nails is only part of the process that goes into the completed house.
One last tho’t about the ADD boy, with a different perspective, rather than feeling defeated, you could have instead felt victorious if it had been YOU that ushered them out instead of them taking charge and leaving.
Cindy B. Illinois
I would consider responding along these lines:
“Dear ____
I apologize if the way I present the lessons is frustrating to you. However, this is the way I’ve presented lessons since I’ve begun teaching Simply Music, and it has worked well for me and my students thus far, who are doing well and building tremendous repertoires.
Please know that I am not in the least offended if you decide that my way of presenting piano lessons isn’t a great fit for you and your son. I realize that not everyone is going to “fit” into my style of teaching, and I encourage you to feel free to find a different teacher who’s a better fit. Thanks so much for your willingness to
communicate with me, and your honesty.
Sincerely _____”
Sue C., AU
Make yourself focus on the positive points in the email:
Joseph is very excited about piano lessons. I look forward to seeing you on 21 May.
The mother is a strong person who speaks her mind. You can be equally as strong and state your case.
Carrie L., Michigan
I would add one more thing as well. Sometimes those parents that are very verbal about speaking their mind (once on board with SM) can be the best advocates for you and the method!