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Mark M., New York

I don’t know an authoritative answer to how far, but I so appreciate that you’re asking the question. What occurs to me is this. No, we’re not therapists. But even therapists cannot simply expect people to open up to them — trust must be built. If we’re willing to ask questions, we can ask, and we can do so without expectation of answer. We can up front let students know that we absolutely respect however much or little they may want to say in response to a question we’d like to ask. And if we do ask, and if they do answer, then we can remember that a therapist’s job is to heal, and they are trained to do so, but anyone can be a compassionate listener and a validating presence. And even that can make an enormous difference for someone.

Jo C., Australia

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply Mark. That resonates with me. This particular lady poured out the whole entire story to me + her daughters experiences of piano lessons. It was as though she had held it in for so long and all of a sudden someone was prepared to listen which is great as a first step. I guess I had a deep desire to direct her in the way of some tools that have helped me that she might like to investigate to explore the feelings further but felt this may be overstepping into a therapists area. I’m wondering if a question like “If I was you would you like to know what I would do” would be helpful or detrimental. For example, sometimes I have suggested that students journal around a particular experience of belief. Is that the same as writing lyrics for a song about something? I’m sometimes unsure how to navigate this fine line.

Mark M., New York

Jo C. The impulse to want to help further is understandable. And generous. And, also, something to be cautious about, and it’s really great that you also recognize that.

If someone feeling raw asks for advice/tools, you can give.

If someone feeling raw has not asked for advice/tools and you just decide to offer, it might be received okay, but it very well might not — un-asked-for advice is often highly unwelcome and upsetting, to anyone, but especially if they are upset/raw.

If someone feeling raw has not asked for advice/tools and you have some to give, you can ask them if they are interested in hearing advice/tools from you or just a compassionate ear or both. They have the power to say yes/no to whatever they want to. If they say they want only a compassionate ear, it’s probably best you leave it at that, even if part of you is burning to offer more. If they say they’re open to advice, then you can give it. And then it’s up to them whether or not to pursue/use it in whatever way. And all of this, too, falls under what anyone can do — it’s not the exclusive purview of therapists.

One thing to watch out for is “if I were you.” It’s usually easier for people to hear something if you keep things framed from your own perspective. “This is what I’ve done,” “if I were faced with that, I would…” It’s just stating what’s true for you and can give food for thought. On the other hand, “If I were you” can come across as imposition, just like un-asked-for advice.

Jo C., Australia

Mark M. great clarifications Mark. I really appreciate you helping me think this through ‘out loud’. I’m much clearer now, especially around what I’m allowed to do and what isn’t appropriate. Very helpful, thanks!

Mark M., New York

Jo C. You bet. These are challenging things. And “best practices” are not what we tend to learn about or be exposed to throughout our culture. And when we are fortunate enough to be exposed to them, they often remain challenging to apply. When in doubt, mindfulness, compassion and boundaries are some things to fall back on.

Kerry V., Australia

Jo in light of her experiences, I always acknowledge how brave they are to, regardless of the past, of their previous experience, that they have stepped up to play again, WITH A TEACHER. I acknowledge how they now have the opportunity to move forward with joy and having music AS. a true companion now as a friend, not a threat.

Robin T., Australia

Utterly agree with Maestro Mark’s comments.

We may not be certified therapists but…..I got a student to sit down with me just this morning after his lesson so as he had the opportunity to talk through an issue he had dealt with during the week. As student success relies greatly on their trusting us as a teacher it follows that a situation like the one that occurred today will crop up from time to time. Just listen and be supportive.

Jo C., Australia

Yes, listening is a great gift to give our students. I guess as much as I want them to heal from past experiences, so they can better progress with their playing, the next step is up to them. I had an elderly student decide to see a therapist as a result of some discussions we had. I couldn’t have been happier for him to take such a brave step.

Kerry V., Australia

Jo you know what it is like for a coach? ! The coach will guide the client but ultimately it is ALWAYS up to the client to progress but up to the coach to guide.

I. ALWAYS go into this kind of thing. It helps the student, and me, move forward once we are able to address such a thing.

What I would do for this student too, is to have them play the melody of the songs in the left hand. 😉. it will help cross the midline, which is great physical work. but also show them that the left hand CAN be as important as the right hand and is safe. 😉. Have FUN with this.