Simpedia

Becky J.

Not sure what I am going to say will help but here goes.  For various reasons students struggle with piano. I have found that sometimes they are not struggling with piano but other events or struggles take over and they have no time for piano.  Schoolwork can sometimes be so hard that they have not an ounce of energy left after trying to figure out math or whatever is giving them a struggle. It becomes obvious to me that I am going to lose that student.

When the parent approaches me about quitting. I always tell them, please tell your student that they are taking a time away from piano and that they will come back.  I explain that if you tell them they are being allowed to quit they will feel as though they have failed.  They may never feel safe enough to try piano again later in life.  Please help your child see that he has nothing to do with them not being able to play well it is only due to these other circumstances and that we don’t have time for everything.  Maybe this is wrong but I just don’t want my students to feel as though they “haven’t got a musical bone in their body.”

I think taking a break is an okay thing. I personally have had several students who have taken a break and come back and are doing just fine.

Laurie Richards, Nebraska

I just recommended this in a completely different post, but I’m going to again….listen regularly to Request vs Requirement audio from the Teacher Workshop Series!  I think it answers every question about students who are ‘struggling’.

It’s really about the parent/coach rather than the student – how much importance the coach places on music education, which shapes how they approach practicing with the child, which gives the child either permission to argue, or acceptance of the fact that they will practice.  Many, many coaches give the child permission to argue, and that’s where they start down the slippery slope.  Neil addresses this directly on the Request vs Requirement audio.

I have direct experience with this, with my own children.  My 15-year-old daughter has never wanted to quit, is in Level 14 and going through the Teacher Apprentice Program right now.  Whew.  My youngest son, 13, has wanted to quit for years (he is in Level 11 now).  He tried for a while to argue about piano – he didn’t like it, wanted to quit, it wasn’t fair, blah blah.  I would have given in like so many coaches do if not for Neil and his coaching.  I learned to have conversations like the following:

Son: “But WHY do I have to stay in piano?”

Me (without emotion or frustration):  “Because it’s my job as your mom to always look out for your best interest, and music is one of the best of the best things I can give you.”

Son:  “But I don’t WANT to…YOU want me to, and that’s not fair.”

Me: “Well, it’s great that you are getting experience NOW doing things you don’t want to do; that will serve you well throughout your life.”

Then I’m done, no arguing.  Refusal to practice was met with a consequence.  He has learned that is simply is not optional and very rarely attempts to argue about it anymore.  We have a great relationship, and he does his practicing and even enjoys it sometimes.  I do allow him some lenience in other areas – for example, I don’t make him play in front of other people if he doesn’t want to.  But he knows that lessons and practicing are non-negotiable.

This is what Neil means when he talks about reinventing yourself – I definitely needed that.  The challenging part is helping other parents approach it in this way.  They need Neil’s coaching, just as I did, to allow a shift in their thinking.  That’s where we come in – his coaching has to be funneled through the teachers to really have a large impact, and it starts with the Foundation Session.  It’s definitely a process getting comfortable with those conversations – a process I’m still navigating through after 9 years of teaching SM.  I love the process and have grown so much personally because of it.  The more I listen to Neil’s conversations, the easier it becomes for me to ‘reinvent’ myself.  They are quite powerful and can change everything.

Carla

I have a student who almost quit once when her first song was difficult.  I explained to the mom why she should encourage her daughter to continue, and hold her accountable.  It worked and they continued throughout the rest of the school year.  Today she texted me and said the daughter wanted to take a break from piano again because she was tired of practicing every day.  I thought about trying to encourage them to continue, and explain why the mother should be in charge and not the daughter, but really, I just don’t have the patience to continue this “dance” back and forth.  I don’t like to beg people to take lessons and be committed.  I told the mother that 30 days were required, and that if they chose to quit I would not take them back.  Am I too hasty?  Should we just take people back whenever they decide to return after they have “taken a break?”  I’m learning I’m not a very patient person when it comes to others being half committed.  I don’t want their money that badly.

I would love the opinions of the seasoned veterans. I know many of you require the 30 days notice, but I don’t remember what has been said about whether you allow them to return on their terms.

Darla H., Kansas

I  have been teaching SM almost 5 years now, and although I have been told numerous times that someone needed a break, only once has someone actually returned.  (The one who returned was a woman in her 60s who was having some major health issues, and actually she insisted on paying me for the months that she was gone to hold her place.) I usually don’t even mention anything about returning, except sometimes I tell them that I can’t guarantee them a spot, because my studio is usually full.

Over the years, I’ve gotten further and further away from “convincing” anyone to join or stay in my studio. I am very enthusiastic about what I teach and for those that ask for help, I am always there. But, if they are not open to being coached, I don’t want them in my studio. I am much more picky about who gets in to begin with, and this saves me a lot of headaches that I used to have.

I agree with you that it’s no fun to work with someone who is only half-committed, and I have not yet seen an advantage to being willing to do that.  I’ve had numerous conversations with parents who were genuinely concerned that “forcing” their kids to practice would alienate them from the piano–and I’m very happy to have these conversations with parents who are open to listening to what I have to say. (In fact, I have several families that after these conversations have totally turned in their viewpoint. One family didn’t know how to keep their son going after 4th grade when he was entering middle school. He is now going into 8th grade, and Mom is saying that she may keep him in lessons even when he goes to high school next year!).

Maureen K.

I would like to hear more about the conversation you have, Darla (and other seasoned teachers). I’m familiar with the relationship conversation, but I’m not very good with my conversation with a parent who has trouble getting their kid to practice and worries about “forcing” them over a long term doing something the kid doesn’t seem to want to do.

Darla H., Kansas

When a parent is worried about making their child practice, I talk to them about music education being a non-negotiable item in their family. These same parents do not worry about forcing their child to learn to read, or to brush their teeth, or to go to school each day, etc. We all have absolute requirements in our families, that children need to adhere to whether they want to or not. Does anyone worry about their child hating to read?  Maybe so, but it would be rare to find a parent who says they are not going to require their child to spend any time learning to read.

My interpretation of Neil’s attitude is that if you don’t give a child any “wiggle room”, they’ll stop fighting it. I also share with families that I know many people who regret that they didn’t continue with piano, but have not heard people say they’re so glad their parents let them quit after a short time. This leads back into the long-term relationship conversation again. Most children are just not capable of navigating a long-term relationship on their own yet, and parents need to be there to help them through that process.

The families that I tend to get are the ones who already believe music education is important. When I first began teaching I was desperate for students and tried to convince anyone and everyone to try it out. What I found was that I had many, very short-term students. I prefer to have long-term students and have directed my energies in that direction. I think it’s great that some teachers spend a lot of time and energy educating parents about the importance of music education. That’s not where I choose to spend a lot of energy at this point in time. I do have families that come in not totally committed, but they are open to learning from me, and that makes a big difference. I am not an intimidating person, I always speak from my heart to parents, and this is what’s worked for me.

I’m sure other teachers say things much more eloquently than I, but I think when one is genuine, it doesn’t matter as much exactly what words you use.

Missy M., Nebraska

I personally have quit trying to get anyone to continue.  I realize that in our culture, there are a lot of things going on all the time and people just don’t know what they want to do.  I don’t have a problem with someone “trying” piano out for 1-2 years or even a few months and figuring out that they aren’t up for the commitment.

I just count it a privilege to have helped them experience music and figure they will do what is important to them when they are ready.  It’s much more fun to just go with the flow and enjoy the time I have with each student.  Interestingly, since I quit trying to “keep” students, I find that I can’t get rid of them.  They just keep coming – and staying.  I just love what I do, love them, speak truthfully and don’t even worry about it.  Remember, there will always be more students!

Patti P., Hawaii

I’ve found that few students who ‘take a break’ ever come back. At least that has been my experience.

I’m not sure I would even discuss coming back options with a family that doesn’t seem committed. If they did want to come back later, whether I would let them return would depend on space in my schedule, and whether they agreed to abide by my requirements.

I feel like my energies are better spent teaching people who really want it rather than trying to hang on to those ready to leave.

Ruth M., Washington

I have a student who is back now after a year long break. She and her mother have different interpretations of why she quit, but the bottom line is that she back now, of her own volition and is doing fabulous renewing her songs in private lessons. I wonder what will happen next fall, but for now, I am very happy for her to return to piano. She is doing better than ever and is much more self assured. She is 9 years old.

I just said that I understood when they decided to stop lessons, because I did. Sometimes people really are just overwhelmed. Everyone in my studio is very familiar with my opinions on who is in charge etc. But sometimes the parents themselves just do not have the where with all to battle it out. I really encourage people and give them as much good advice as I can. But I do understand.

My own daughter went from insisting upon drum lessons to just being done. She had a full drum set and everything. No amount of insisting, cajoling, promoting, punishing or consequences would have swayed her. She was done. Some kids are impervious to consequences. I know, because I have one (out of four) . This kind of child is wonderfully independent and self motivating and exhaustingly difficult to convince them of anything that they are not sure of themselves.

I guess the reason I say this, is because I always leave the door open for people to come back, I tell kids that even if they are already grown when they decide to play piano it is not too late. Life is not a smooth trajectory for everyone. But music is for everyone, always, I don’t ever want them to forget that.

Claire C., Pennsylvania

I’ve had my share of wishy washy students and parents.  To add to this, I think it is best to just leave things open.  I know they rarely return but there was one parent in particular who’s child quit but this mom has given me several referrals.  I’m usually floored when I hear from a prospective parent telling me from whom he got my number.  Even though one particular student floundered, I’ve gotten ones who are doing well.  It’s disappointing to lose a student for any reason but you never know exactly how much of an impression you really made.