Simpedia

Beth S., Tennessee

If they’ve only gotten to Chester, Song #5, and the mom is already encouraging option exploring, then she is only displaying the fact that her maturity level is not a whole lot higher than theirs. One might expect such distraction with a child, but the parent?  I find that shocking and even embarrassing for her. I wonder if she switches so quickly on other decisions too. One might take a leave of absence after accomplishing a great deal but not five songs.

I’ve had two children actually verbalize this week the “Q” word (as one put it) and in both cases the parents said it wasn’t an option. So, while it helps for the child to be on board and excited, it’s not really the issue, i.e. how long they’ve begged to take, etc. My kids never asked or wished to be enrolled in math class, but they do it every day, religiously, rain or shine and they won’t ever not do it.

Hilary C., Australia

I think I would remind the mother of the LTR conversation. I would also say that with the violin the twins are going to have to stick with it for a long time to get any music, competence, and hence enjoyment from it. Maybe it will work for them, maybe not.

Are they finding the discipline with SM tough? If so she should expect more of the same with the violin. Violin will certainly not give instant musical access.

Maybe it would be better if one did the violin and the other the piano and then they could make music together. I’d certainly firmly state my case before I wished them well.

And it’s interesting that she emailed you – a non face to face communication giving you no capacity for instant reply.

I have a daughter who wanted to learn the violin (aged 7ish) and pleaded for months. When she finally got there, having been given a violin for her birthday, and realized that it was not all romance and I insisted on her practicing, she hoisted it aloft and threatened to smash it – so guess what! She can’t play the violin.

On the subject of the LTR and the Foundation Session – there is an awful lot of information to take on board at this session and I don’t know about you but have you noticed what you do in these situations? I know for sure that i don’t retain all of it even with the best will in the world.

Also the saying ‘a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest’ applies to women too!  She would have come with an agenda – that of getting her children taught to play the piano – and I’m guessing that was the main thing she was about; the rest would have been peripheral at best – so no it probably didn’t sink in. As well, if she has never committed to any sort of skills development she would be unaware of the level of commitment needed. Also some parents don’t ‘get’ the level of commitment and self-discipline required from them to ‘parent’ their children for a lot of reasons – not the least of which is parenting is easier when it’s a kids DIY!

I always emphasize commitment at my FIS (easier because there are usually only 1-2 potential students) after inquirers (or their parents) say they want to start – so they start off knowing what’s expected, that while it will be great to do, the ‘magic’ is what happens at home, not the weekly injection at a lesson. Learning by SM will make demands – of time, money, and emotion, but even so people don’t always ‘get’ what it all means and I still get some (but less since I got bolder) early drop outs.

Beth S., Tennessee

One of my piano dads is an accomplished violinist, and he told me recently that it takes a good year at taking violin lessons to start sounding like something pleasant. The piano, especially with this method, produces such immediate gratification. I would think with immature people, this would be a great plus! They may have to discover that on their own. However, I think I would just tell the truth. Sometimes the truth is easier to say on paper than face to face, and since she initiated the letter-writing, it would be natural for you to follow course. That would be one option.

I would include daily-life analogies to make it clear — the math example, buying furniture, joining a church, learning to read. Imagine quitting kindergarten after 10 days. In other arenas, the same principle is ludicrous, and it is very obvious how damaging that would be to a child. The worst of us parents understand that children need stability and continuity to amount to anything.

One story I would definitely bring out would be my own with regard to music. Perhaps you have a similar one. When I was a child my parents were insistent on me sticking with piano and flute. I played piano somewhat compliantly but moaned and begged to quit flute. This went on for several years until finally I convinced my mother to let me concentrate on piano, be really good at it, and let the flute go. Of course you know the rest of the story. She let me quit. I regret it. I come from a family of great flutists, symphony players, etc. and there would have been no reason I couldn’t have followed, but I quit and now it’s probably too late for that.

At my last (and first) piano party it was a huge visual to have my own mother there and to bring out the issue of longevity of lessons. Here’s mom, who made me stick with piano, here’s me, the piano teacher, and here’s my 15 “children.”  Here’s what can be reproduced with your own child, but it will take years to see the fruit of this process…not five songs. In the end, it just depends on what a person wants and whether or not they have the maturity to wait for it. Not everyone has what it takes.

Kevin M., California

As you know, I have been teaching this method since its inception, and have had this happen to me as well, many times, with many different scenarios. I believe it is just part of the whole process of being a teacher. My view is I want the student to enjoy their lessons, I want the student to have a positive experience with Simply Music, and of course realize they are profoundly musical, and hope when they look back at their time with me their memories are positive ones.

Of course I would love the students to stay with me long enough to learn to read and be able to self generate and have music as a companion for the rest of their life. Who’s to say, even if it was only a few months of lessons with me some of this has been accomplished. Maybe they will excel at violin, or some other instrument, singing etc… maybe the same thing that happened with the lessons they had with you will happen again within a few months of violin lessons, it might even be a pattern throughout their entire life.  You can have faith knowing the time they spent with you was a positive one, and hopefully they will continue to pursue music, looking back their experience with you and Simply Music may be their best memory of all and they may one day return.

My point to all of this is as with anything we do as teachers/coaches/trainers there will be an attrition rate. I have many times gone through every possible scenario in my mind about the lessons with the students I have lost, and wondered what I could have done better as a teacher and things I could improve on or do differently next time I had a similar experience.  I use it as a learning tool.

Other times I could not find anything I could or would have done differently and just accept it as a part of life, I do have a talk with the parent about what message it sends to a child to start something and then just be able to stop without seeing it through out to fruition, and so on. I also might talk about the difference in how visual the piano is and how much easier it is to learn than other instruments, in this case the violin. Once they are able to read music and self generate their learning, another instrument is much easier to pick up because of all the skills that go along with playing the piano. Many times the conversation falls on deaf ears, and in such cases I simply give the kids a hug and tell them how much I enjoyed teaching them, and let them know I wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors as well as thanking the parent for the opportunity to teach their kids. I also let them know if they ever want to resume lessons with me I would love to pick up where we left off.

[answer author="Louise H., Michigan"]

What struck me immediately in this letter were the words “leave of absence”. In other words, she is determining when she is stopping lessons and that she will resume again at some point in time.

This is a claiming territory issue on the part of the parent in some respects. I would respond to her and tell her that you are considering this a termination of lessons and that if she wishes to return, she will have to commit to at least a full year of lessons and that it will be up to you when they begin, i.e. changing lesson day or time. Reaffirm to her that you believe piano lessons to be a long term commitment, not a “try it on for size” type of experience. I think many parents today have a misconception of what it takes to develop a skill. They are used to 8 week soccer programs, 10 week softball programs, etc. There is a great need to educate parents on this issue.

Laurie Richards, Nebraska

I respectfully disagree about this being a claiming territory issue.  Our territory is in the running of our studios. If the parent is leaving the studio, she is leaving our territory. It ultimately is not our decision whether or not a student continues or not; that’s a parent’s territory.

I don’t think we can in reality require a commitment for a full year of lessons. It’s still a month-to-month proposition, unless they pay a full year in advance with no refund option, I guess. It’s like what they say about the 3 things it’s impossible to force your child do – eat, sleep, or use the bathroom. We can’t force people to come to piano lessons, even though we truly believe it’s for the best.

In my opinion, the best we can do is to have those conversations with the parents about how their decisions affect their children’s perception of and ability to deal with conflict in long-term relationships (the LTR conversation). Talk about the benefits of playing the piano. In this specific case, you may want to talk about how piano is a good foundation for learning other instruments (given the proper amount of time and effort) and why. Then just ask her to consider the things you’ve talked about before making a final decision (if she hasn’t already). They may choose to disregard everything you say, but at least you’ve said it and maybe planted a seed.

I would imagine that many parents may not appreciate the difference between switching instruments and switching sports after only a short time. Many parents honestly don’t see any problem with their children “trying out” different things and not sticking with any one thing. Some believe that exposing their children to many different activities/sports/instruments gives them a good base from which to choose the thing they have a real interest in and will eventually stick with. I’m not saying I agree or that it’s right or wrong – it probably depends upon a lot of factors. I just don’t think we should be too quick to judge or assume, but rather to educate the parents to the best of our ability about what we have to offer.

Louise H., Michigan

This is a great topic of discussion, because it deals with some basic philosophies of parenting and teaching.

I used to have my families sign a contract for lessons for the entire school year. While I don’t do that anymore, my parents know that I expect it, that this is a long term relationship when they come to lessons. I have a pretty good retention rate as a result. I have dealt with parents in my piano studio, as well as my Kindermusik studio, who may have unrealistic expectations after a short period of time so I have gotten pretty clear about what they should expect and how long it should take. Certainly it isn’t claiming territory if they should leave–that certainly is their choice–however, if and when they choose to return I feel I have a right to have an expectation and a commitment that they will stick with it, and not be at their whim to try something else in a few months. From a business standpoint it is better for us to expect longer term commitments from our students. It takes much more time, money, and effort to replace students than to keep them.

I also have a problem with parents who let their children dictate all the decisions and choices. I have seen young children change their mind about something several times in one day. At some point the parent has to step in and make the decision, then teach the child that it is important to stick with their decision for a long enough period to learn something, and by longer I mean at least a year. As we all know, there is more than just piano learning happening here. There is character building.