Simpedia

Bernadette Ashby, California

Bernie (usa)

This chat session is entitled “Telling Children the Truth.”  The foundational principles behind Telling Children the Truth are based on the concepts that Neil has been training on, specifically the Relationship Conversation, Claiming Territory, and Adults Who Take Control of Lessons.

What I would like to do this evening is to first off discuss some foundational premises of why it is that we need to tell children the truth and then follow up with my experiences and how I have applied these principles to my own studio. I’d also like to hear some of yours. I’ll take questions at the end.

I want to make it very clear that I am not an expert on this subject and that I myself am in progress, but it has been so wonderful to see quick transformation in my students when I finally got the courage to be forthright with them.  This gives me more courage to continue doing this and the assurance that I am on the right track.

By now, you should have all had a chance to listen to Neil speak about this subject through the audio teacher training materials. With that in mind, I want to remind everybody that this chat session is not so much a training session.  So any questions directly related to training will be referred back to the training materials or Simpedia.

I’d like this chat to be user-friendly for everybody by addressing questions and concerns that support you in telling children the truth.

Let me share some foundational premises about Telling Children the Truth.  So why is it so important to be truthful to our students? For 3 reasons:

1. Because the world lacks truth. Truth is a powerful thing. It is empowering and as I mentioned above, transformative. If we were truly honest with each other and ourselves, we would be better people – the world would be a different place.As teachers, we have a wonderful opportunity to contribute to a better society by means of our students, by being truthful to them where truth needs to be told.  We need more of that.
2. Truth is consistent with our Simply Music Foundation Statement.  If you are not familiar with the SM Foundation Statement, I would encourage you to take a look at it on our website.  Our Foundation Statement should be the basis of where we are coming from.The Foundation Statement says, ”We are a living example of the highest levels of professionalism, integrity, and graciousness in our dealings with people…”.  It also states, “…we support people in moving beyond those challenges that thwart their ability to grow and develop.” Integrity encompasses truth. Not telling the truth is a breakdown in integrity.  Right from the get-go (the Relationship Conversation), teachers must be very clear that we are always going to be truthful to the student and parent.
3. If we Tell Children the Truth, then we maximize the likelihood of the student retaining music as a lifelong companion.  How does this work?  Two things are needed:

• First, the longevity of student’s learning experience.
• Second, the overall experience of success (not fun, success!).

What creates an environment of success? The understanding of the Relationship Conversation. As you are all aware, there are many ups/downs to this long term relationship.  We need to help the student, along with the parent, to navigate this relationship.  As the Method Coach, we tell students at their first lesson that we will be managing them and telling them what to do.  When the student honors what you say, then there is no problem. However, if the student is being difficult, then as teachers we will get “into it” with them, because the world needs more truth – the only environment that provides success is when the truth is told.  This successful environment increases the likelihood of piano lessons being a successful experience, and the students retaining music as a lifelong companion.

Let me pose a question. What would be the alternative to Telling the Truth?

Carol Bishop  Sugar coating a little, for one.

Shamara  not telling the truth

Debbie  1/2 truth or lying

Vanessa  avoiding the issue

Barbara G  deceptive ways for dealing with “issues”

Bernie  and what would be the consequences of not telling the truth for you and the students?

Cherie R  lack of trust

Cheryl  the student does not experience the greatest benefit from the program

Vanessa  slowing progress

Barbara G  break down of progress & the relationship

Debbie  not solution for problem

Carol Bishop  bigger problems later

bernie (usa)  yes, yes, yes, all of the above and more…

Shamara  undermining of the relationship between you, therefore rendering it ineffective

Barbara G  lack of self respect

Bernie  student’s bad behavior, student controlling the lesson, you become unhappy as the teacher….By telling students the truth up front we can be preventative when these things occur.

We need to be honest with ourselves and each other and to be able to express it to one another.

Do you mind if I share the first time that I was honest with one of my students?

About two years into teaching SM, I began to sense an overwhelmingness (is there even such a word), to managing my studio. Basically, my student numbers were about over the 30 mark. The root of the problem stemmed from a few difficult students and/or parents. I had given them territory that didn’t belong to them.

In particular, a young man by the name of Sam (fictitious name). It got so bad that eventually, Sam and I had a blow up during the lesson and the dad and son stomped off. I had allowed Sam to behave uncooperatively in lessons.  Eventually, mom called to inquire with me what had happened. I tried my best to explain to her what had occurred. I felt wounded, defensive and upset.  I apologized for the words I had used with Sam but somehow in my spirit I was not at peace. The reason was that I felt I was apologizing for Sam’s behavior.

I called Neil immediately. I told him what had happened. He had the audacity to heartily laugh at me, then proceeded to tell me exactly what was happening. Sam was taking control of the lessons. I called the mom again and set up an appointment with Sam, mom, and dad to meet the following week.  Fortunately, mom and dad were very supportive of expecting the best behavior from their son.

In a nutshell, I told him (Sam) that I loved him and his family and that I cared about what kind of human being he was becoming, that I wouldn’t tolerate his behavior any more because if I allowed him to treat me this way, then he would continue to treat others in the same manner. I just couldn’t allow that because I cared for him. So if it is the case where he would act up ever in lessons, I would immediately close his books and excuse him from lessons and would tell his parents that lessons will not work out.

This was a very difficult scenario for me because I had never talked to anyone like that (apart from my own family members).  It took all week until his next lesson to get the courage to do this because I was so fearful but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do.  I generally have a “nice” non-imposing disposition so this was stepping out of my comfort zone.  And I felt that I needed to think of Sam more than my fears. This is powerful motivation.

The result of telling Sam the truth has been fantastic.  Since that time, with the help of mom and dad, Sam has not acted unbecomingly in lessons. Not once.  Had I not told Sam the truth, I believe I would be moving towards burn out or looking for any reason to get rid of him from my studio.  Instead, Sam has been a worthwhile student and will have a future lifetime of musically expressing himself.

I’ve told the truth in more than one occasion with my students and the outcome has ALWAYS been positive.  Whatever fear gripped me before, now has changed into confidence. It is well worth being truthful and it gets easier over time and with more practice.

Shamara  This has been a healing story for me, thanks, Bernie.

Bernie  I have more stories to tell but I’d like to hear from you. Any questions/concerns?

Carol Bishop  Was Sam in a private or shared lesson?

Bernie  He was in a private lesson.

Barbara G  When you say “with the help of his parents” he didn’t act up. What do you mean?

Bernie   We all four agreed upon our roles with regard to piano lessons and understood them…the Relationship Conversation.  His parents also contributed to making sure he was always well behaved by prepping him at home, and being right next to Sam and me when we would have lessons.

Jules  I am concerned about speaking the truth in a shared lesson and embarrassing a student and parent in front of all the others.

Bernie  Jules, I used to be concerned about it but I have found out that when you confront head on you set a precedent with all the students and parents; in other words they don’t want to cross you in any way.

Jules  oh.

Bernie  this includes the number of times they have practiced i.e. I expect my students to practice 5x a week.  When they don’t, I speak truth to them about their promises.  The other kids hear it and are less likely to lag in their practice schedule. It works to your benefit.

Carol Bishop Does Sam have behavior problems other places, like school?

Bernie  Sam has had problems at school.  That is one of the reasons why his parents sent him to me to see if I could contribute to some success in his life since he had such bad behavior with other teachers.  The music teacher at his school said he would never be able to learn music at his age because of his behavior. I can attest that this was not true.

Jules  but what about disciplining a child in front of the others… a lot of parents don’t like that.

Bernie  Jules, when you tell the truth it is often times very uncomfortable, and it certainly didn’t fit into my “nice”, “friendly”, “want everybody to love me” personality, and you will run the chance that parents and students will be unhappy and leave your studio. But this may be a prime opportunity for a teacher like myself to be completely honest with him when no one else may be.

Shamara  If there is something starting to niggle inside you about a student, what methods do you use in yourself to address it? And then how and when do you choose to take action?

Bernie   Shamara, I listen to my gut feeling and wait patiently for an opportunity to express what I am seeing.

Jules  Would you not talk to the child in private?

Carol Bishop  Are we getting “speaking the truth” and discipline confused?

Bernie  Jules, I am looking out for the best interest of the child.  If it needs to be private, then I will talk to that child privately; if it is more impactful for the group to hear with the child’s best interest then I do that, too.

Debbie  A long conversation would have to be after a shared lesson, but separating the child for the remainder of the lesson would be an option that could be expressed in a couple minutes.

Bernie   yes Deb, if a child is acting up then, sometimes I ask them immediately to sit with mom or dad till the end of lesson.

Shamara  so do you wait for a good opportunity in a lesson time, rather than speak on the telephone?

Bernie  I am in constant conversation with parents at all times if I see a need…

Debbie  the rest of the students would also see this discipline without having to get all the detail.

Bernie  so I am talking to parents on the phone, and if I have to set up a personal time to talk to the student and parent then I will do so. I would have already prepped the parent. However, this is not always the case. For example, one time I had to address sisters right then and there.  I actually excused the mom out of the room. They had a propensity to take advantage of her.  She was okay about that.

I had my ‘telling the truth’ talk with the girls and told them what I saw in their lives ahead of them.  Where they were going in their relationships was reflected in their disrespect towards me… rolling of the eyes, looking away, not wanting to do want I wanted them to. In the end, I had them agree that if they wanted to continue lessons with me that they would have to change their attitudes. Mom emailed me that evening and thanked me profusely for exhorting her children.  She said nobody else had the courage to do this and that it was good to find support from someone who was willing to be honest with her girls. She called me a true friend.

Debbie  as my husband always says, “you get what you expect and allow”.  So expect high standards and don’t allow misconduct!

Barbara G  Has it been true for you then, that if you have a student who causes you to feel “uncomfortable” on some level you then have to really search yourself to see what is causing the discomfort?

Bernie  yes, Barbara, I really try to find the source of what is is that is bothering me.

Shamara  How careful do you need to be addressing parents on parent-teacher stuff in front of young students?

Bernie  Shamara, when I think of telling the truth as always in the best interest of the student, I forget myself, and again it can be painful to express truth but it needs to be heard.  We need more truth in this world.  If I need to talk to the parent privately then I do so.

Barbara G (USA)  This is so good to hear we don’t have to put up with difficult situations, but that there are ways of correcting them.

Cheryl  have you had any situations of parents ‘babying’ their very young children?

Bernie  yes, Cheryl… the parent then needs to be addressed.

Cheryl  In front of the child?

Bernie  I would talk to the parent on an aside and see if this curbs the problem.  Because they are always making excuses for the child, and this may not be conducive to the learning environment.  Again, talk to the parent with the child’s best interest in mind.  This is what motivates me the most. I cannot wait to hear my students when they are adults tell me what I difference my truth telling will make in their lives. I may be the only one to do it.

So the mom with the two boys came in for lessons.  I was giving one student a lesson.  In the background I heard the young boy tell his mother that he hated her.  When he came up for lesson, I had the talk with him.  I told him that he was in my home, and that I would never allow that kind of talk in my home, and that I expected the same from him. I told him it is never appropriate to treat his parents or others that way, and that he will never say that in my house again. I told him I would be concerned about what kind of person he would be if I allowed him to do that. I told him that next week he needed to come back as a 7 year old and not a 3 year old. He came back, and he did not give me any difficulties ever again.

Shamara   I don’t understand what you mean by ‘what kind of person he would be if I allowed him to do that’. Please can you clarify?

Bernie  If we allow behavior to continue and it is not appropriate, it becomes a habit, becomes a part of who the person is and generalizes into their relationships with people even as adults. If we curb unacceptable behavior by telling the truth, they are less likely to be “jerks” when they are older simply because someone confronted them and told them the truth.

With the Relationship Conversation and our Foundation Statement as a place to come from, when we tell the truth to children, Simply Music teachers have an awesome opportunity to make a huge difference in the character of a person.

I hope that this has been helpful to you and I am sure you may have more questions.  You are welcome to email me with your stories and concerns.